Why My Friends Are Cooler Than Me

I have a lot of cool friends. Some of them are actors, some are techies, some are writers, and some just exist in a universe of nerdiness that I can only hope to enter one day. All these things make them really wonderful people to talk to and listen to and stalk on the internet.

But I also have a problem. (Not the stalking, that's totally normal.) Sometimes, on the days where I'm not my best, the more I like them, the less I like myself. Why don't I have a thousand followers on Instagram? How come I never make vlogs? Why don't I get an average of 150 likes for every Facebook post I make?

Well, the first reason is probably that I'm wildly inconsistent when it comes to posting on social media. I don't mind when other people do it--I like it when people I like have cool things to share--but if I do it, I feel like I'm being arrogant. Obnoxious. Annoying. I don't want to be the person that needs to talk about every meal they eat or every dog they see. I'm not funny all the time. I rarely have something to say or show that I think other people would appreciate. And so I see my friends or my social media icons posting about the films they're in, the podcasts they record, the music they write, and I think, "Why don't you do more of that?" And it's because I don't often think I'm worth your time.

The second reason is that I'm kind of a private person. I don't have a lot of friends that I consistently talk to. I don't tell everyone where I'm going or what I'm working on. I was raised to be really careful about what I put on the internet. Granted, that hasn't stopped me from posting things that I still feel embarrassed about five years after the fact, but it's kept me from saying anything that I think would piss people off or make them uncomfortable. It's often kept me from saying what I really think. And even though I live in a time where non-stop talking and saying what I really think is more likely to get people to pay attention to me, I don't think I'm gonna change all that much. I hope to write more often, to live a kind of life where I have things worth sharing, but I'm not there yet.

The third reason is that I'm a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. I don't like to share things that don't demonstrate my best effort. I don't put anything up for anyone to see if it makes me look like a failure. Some people are most afraid of death, more are most afraid of public speaking. I'm most afraid of failing, of people seeing me fall flat on my face. It's my biggest roadblock, and I'm chipping away at it every day.

But I don't want to continue being like this. I want to change some of these habits. So I guess I'll start now.

1. I want to write something every week. I'm a good writer. I have stuff I'd like to share, even if I think it's stupid stuff.

2. I'm a private person because I'm a sad person. I don't share my thoughts because a lot of them are depressing and they make me seem like an asshole. While I don't want to share all of these because I don't like spreading the sadness and I don't like people worrying about me, I want to share them sometimes because maybe someone else will see it and feel less alone. Or at least they'll understand me better and I won't have to explain myself in person so much.

3. I fuck up all the time. In every aspect of life. I misjudge people, I put myself before others, I prioritize watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother over job applications and creative endeavors. I start projects that I don't finish and it kills me. Recently, I've spent more time lying around on my bedroom floor staring up at the ceiling than I care to admit. I am a flawed human being. Now you know.

To all my cool friends (and anyone else who happens across this):

YOU DO COOL THINGS! THE THINGS YOU DO MAKE ME SMILE! I STOP AND LISTEN TO THE THINGS YOU MAKE WHEN I CAN AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU EVERY DAY! YOU HAVE COURAGE WHERE I DON'T, AND I ASPIRE TO BE LIKE YOU. KEEP LOVING YOURSELF.